A Verse for Fredrick

A Verse for Fredrick

My friend, swim around in your bowl
Do your feeding-time dance,
Blue as sky and black as coal!
Frolic around
There's food abound
May God bless your little soul.

-sigh-

It's been a long day.

I had a moment walking back to my dorm today and I just thought, what's the point? What's the point in struggling to get good grades, striving to become a better musician? What's the point of graduating from college to get job and make money? In the end, what does it matter? What does any of my effort add up to? What's the point in trying to put on a front and be something I'm not for the world? Why do I try to be a wonderfully good, healthy, popular person and then beat up myself when I'm not? Why do I feel this need in me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and when nothing pans out, I assume I'm hopeless? Why does my life's routine feel so boring and mundane to me?
And, despite all this, I know God has me in his hands, and he knows where I'm going and where I am now. I know all this is molding and shaping me, and God has great plans for me. I know I can rest in Him...
It's just hard to connect these two realities.

Maybe these thoughts are just a result of a very stressful week. Or my subconscious wants me to procrastinate my homework.

I wrote this poem a few years ago. It fits.

today I walked
past many gray shadows
these towering, frightening
souls. proud yet
frantic
for color
or dimension
or clarity through
mist
as if something lacking.

My diversion on Freedom

This post is being written, ironically, for the sole purpose as to avoid writing a paper for my Sherlock Holmes lit class. Why is it that when the words are forced out of me, the come so reluctantly, yet other times, it is as if I will explode if I can't write? Alas.

On this occasion I would like to ponder change. I noticed today I've changed in distinct ways since I first came here last August. Not just my clothing choice, the length of my hair, or percentage body fat. I can see my personality beginning to take shape. I know more who I am.
I think this happened because I've had to take everything I've ever learned with a grain of salt and actually figure things out for myself. What do I actually believe? Of course I know what I've grown up to believe. But now that the facts are at my fingertips, how does what I believe spill out into action in my day to day life? Before, all my knowledge was mostly theoretical, and now I'm getting a chance to test these beliefs in the lab that is my life.
And then there are the choices. Oh, the choices in life. I'm beginning to learn I don't have to do what I have always done, and my life has opened up into a million possibilities. I can do what I actually want to do. Freedom. From parents. From high school small town cliques. From many sorts of expectations.
But, most liberating of all, I'm slowly learning about my Freedom in Christ. I have always struggled wondering about the trivial things in life, what does God want me to do? What is right in His eyes? If I feel convicted through the Holy Spirit to do something or not do something, does it mean that all Christians need to feel convicted about this as well? Similarly, if my friend feels very convicted about not watching R movies, am I displeasing God by not feeling convicted as well? Well, my eyes opened in New Testament class as I realize I am not bound by someone else's conscience, but only by my own(1 Corinthians 8).

Well, my paper is beckoning me. Although I have freedom to take a break from my work, I definitely think it's time to get back to work ;)

I guess now I'm one of "Them"

I'm up here in the frozen wasteland of Backus, MN with my roommate Alaina. Tis been quite fun, we laughed about stupid things till our laughing nodules hurt, watched a movie over a span of 4 hours, folded beautiful, clean laundry, curled our hair, and slept till 10:30.

I am content. No thoughts of homework have flooded my mind yet. No thoughts of even getting off this couch for a while, either. It's just so warm.

That is the extent of my thought process right now. Take it easy, and enjoy the weekend.

<3

lost

lost

you know,
i thought i lost it all.
my reality, a cheap imitation
of what has been
of what could have been
of what was supposed to be.

it's true.
i lost it all.
my present, just a shadow
of what will be
of what could be
of what is supposed to be.