My confession.

The Eleventh Hour
by Jars of Clay

Trace the shape of my heart
till I become more familiar to Your eyes
I've been lost without you
Cold without your love
It's taken days and nights to make me realize

So rescue me from hanging on to this life
I won't give up on giving You
The chance to blow my mind
'Cause the eleventh hour quickly passed me by
I'll find You when I think I'm out of time

So take the place of my heart
Till I become a stranger to my life
I've been down without you
Cold without your love
In time will I be what you're thinking of?

This song has been my prayer of my soul for some time now. I always find myself coming back to it when the struggles of this life start to weigh on my shoulders, and I realize I'm letting sin take me under it's control.

This weight pulled me down particularly yesterday, and started to realize how truly overtaken with pride and selfishness and greed my inner thoughts and motives have become. I've even found a way to justify them in my own mind sometimes; that's the most sickening part. I play the part of a victim in my own mind, one who reacts only dependent on what the outside world does. In the end, everything is an attack on my identity, and I react with the same hatred and bitterness that I see attacking me.
My actions have nothing to do with love.
My thoughts don't have much to do with helping others or pleasing God.
I have become self-absorbed.
Perhaps it's not even visible to those around me, except maybe those closest to me, but it's such an easy thing to hide sometimes, especially in "Christian" circles. This is me being true, honest with what is really going on inside. I realize this is opening doors for me to be judged, and criticised, but I can't live the lie anymore.

Life was not meant to be lived the way I've been living it. I'm done. I want to move on. I need a heart transplant. Jesus died and conquered death so I can be set free from the slavery of this sin we all deal with. Paul explains to the Church, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

This song speaks to my soul because I'm still struggling with holding on to this life, wanting to plan my future, wanting to know where I'm going, trying to fit God into my plans instead of the other way around.

I need to trust. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5

I need to hope. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." 1 Peter 1:3-5