It is time for me to start blogging once again. I miss arranging words, writing poetry, trying to evaluate this crazy thing called life. Maybe kick out a few pointers here and there while I write purposely incomplete sentences.
And, honestly, I just need a place to vent sometimes. So, subscribe or not, I'm writing.
On that note, I've been thinking today about what my self-worth is based on. Yeah I know, it's not exactly a lunchroom conversation topic, but this whole week it's been showing up in random places in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in the popularity movement, determining how nice or cute or smart or easygoing you are by how many people like you, or how much those people like you.
I get caught in it. I have been for most of my life. And of course my analytical mind takes these little, seemingly insignificant things and runs with them. "Amy walked right past me and didn't say hi to me today or last night, she must be beginning to not like me. Why wouldn't she like me? Do I smell? Am I not a good friend?" That's pretty much how it works. I actually have to work in order to not get caught up in those little things.
But I think the reason I get caught up in them in the first place is because I have this need to be liked, to be loved, by everyone. If it seems like I'm not, I freak out a bit, and it bugs me. I know that who I am does not change (directly) according to who loves me or not. I know that I am loved by my Creator, so much so that he even died for me when I didn't believe in him. What more love should I need? What more should I be seeking for? Absolute, complete love. Every nook and cranny of me, all those things I despise about myself. I have so much right here in my grasp, but am so blind to it.
I just pray I can really realize all that there is in that huge chunk of love that God has offered me, this pure gift, given regardless of how imperfect I am, or how screwed up I am, or how many people love me, or how much they love me. Why can't I accept it?
If it was a huge chunk of chocolate, I would.