Tuesday, December 30, 2008

you have so much work to do on me, jesus. I just hope I can let you do it one of these days. It's so easy to hide the parts I don't want you to see, when really you just see them all along anyways.

Jesus, I'm sorry i've been holding on to this bitterness against the world. its not worth it anymore. I'm sick of it. i just want to move on with my life and have a better base with you, and with everyone. I want to turn everything over, turn my self in, because there is absolutely nothing left worth to defend.

I'm so dissapointed how this life has turned out. I've tried to be good, tried very hard, but I'm done doing this on my own. Will you take over? I'm giving up.

I'm giving you my future. I don't know what my plans are, I'm kind of waiting for your guidence, your gentle whispers and nudgings. I'm giving you my heart. I do'nt know what to do with it anymore, what to invest with it. It's become so hard, so caloused from everything i've encoutered. Will you soften me again?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hey, Jesus. It's been a while...a long while. There are some things I need to tell you, I know I've been trying to cut down on the Laura-dominated conversation between us, but I really need to tell you some things. I know you know already, but I just kinda want someone to listen.

I do'nt know where I'm going, for the first time in my life, and it's kind scary. I want to follow you, but I have forgotten how to really listen to you. There's been so many other things I've put before you. It's not right, and I want to work on fixing it, but I know it's not all about me fixing myself, because I don't even know where to start. Will you forgive me for putting everything else before you? school work? boyfrienid? my own comfort?

I do'nt know why, but I do know that you do forgive me. I am so thankful...I have a hard time comprehending even, Jesus, you're so good to me.

I need to decide soon on somethings, if I'm going to Japan, if I'm going to finish up at Northwestern, what I should pursue. In order to know those things, I need to be in tune with you, in step with you. I've been asking you for the easy way, to be shown your way. But your way isn't just about knowing where I should go, it's a lifestyle of following you EVERYWHERE in my life, in every minute of every day.
That's a big commitment, Lord.
Can I commit to it?

I want to, but there's so much hesitance in me. Will you erase that hesitence? Guide me back to your love and your grace, I want to look for you, because this is all not working. It's so shallow, I need your depth.

"trace the shape of my heart, til it becomes more familiar to your eyes. I've been lost without you, down without your love, in time will I be what you're thinking of?"

<3 Your Child Laura

Monday, December 8, 2008


oh life.

i've come to a crossroads, somehow on this journy. I don't know what I want any more, I don't know where I'm going, but I do know I really don't like where I am.

I've realized I don't like teaching. Its always been a forced thing, I'm assumed responsibility, I do what I need to do. But its a struggle. I don't want to trap myself into something that's a struggle for the rest of my life, or get even further down the line and not have ANY options about going back.

I've realized I don't like the people in my major. I don't click with them...or something. It's torture having every class with people who couldn't care less about you, who even ignore you all the time. It's tiresome. It takes the life out of me.

I'm sick of struggling, it feels like all my passion and my drive has left. I don't know what to put it in. I don't know what direction to point my life. I know what I should be doing in the mean time, doing homework, loving others, helping people, but how can I do that if I don't know where I'm going? How do I know what to invest in now?

And the frigging teachers who won't give grace because they play favorites so hardcore, they won't even converse with anyone they don't deem "worthy".

I hate musicians. Why am I one of them?