Thursday, February 22, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
I had a moment walking back to my dorm today and I just thought, what's the point? What's the point in struggling to get good grades, striving to become a better musician? What's the point of graduating from college to get job and make money? In the end, what does it matter? What does any of my effort add up to? What's the point in trying to put on a front and be something I'm not for the world? Why do I try to be a wonderfully good, healthy, popular person and then beat up myself when I'm not? Why do I feel this need in me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and when nothing pans out, I assume I'm hopeless? Why does my life's routine feel so boring and mundane to me?
And, despite all this, I know God has me in his hands, and he knows where I'm going and where I am now. I know all this is molding and shaping me, and God has great plans for me. I know I can rest in Him...
It's just hard to connect these two realities.
Maybe these thoughts are just a result of a very stressful week. Or my subconscious wants me to procrastinate my homework.
I wrote this poem a few years ago. It fits.
today I walked
past many gray shadows
these towering, frightening
souls. proud yet
or clarity through
as if something lacking.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
On this occasion I would like to ponder change. I noticed today I've changed in distinct ways since I first came here last August. Not just my clothing choice, the length of my hair, or percentage body fat. I can see my personality beginning to take shape. I know more who I am.
I think this happened because I've had to take everything I've ever learned with a grain of salt and actually figure things out for myself. What do I actually believe? Of course I know what I've grown up to believe. But now that the facts are at my fingertips, how does what I believe spill out into action in my day to day life? Before, all my knowledge was mostly theoretical, and now I'm getting a chance to test these beliefs in the lab that is my life.
And then there are the choices. Oh, the choices in life. I'm beginning to learn I don't have to do what I have always done, and my life has opened up into a million possibilities. I can do what I actually want to do. Freedom. From parents. From high school small town cliques. From many sorts of expectations.
But, most liberating of all, I'm slowly learning about my Freedom in Christ. I have always struggled wondering about the trivial things in life, what does God want me to do? What is right in His eyes? If I feel convicted through the Holy Spirit to do something or not do something, does it mean that all Christians need to feel convicted about this as well? Similarly, if my friend feels very convicted about not watching R movies, am I displeasing God by not feeling convicted as well? Well, my eyes opened in New Testament class as I realize I am not bound by someone else's conscience, but only by my own(1 Corinthians 8).
Well, my paper is beckoning me. Although I have freedom to take a break from my work, I definitely think it's time to get back to work ;)
Saturday, February 17, 2007
I am content. No thoughts of homework have flooded my mind yet. No thoughts of even getting off this couch for a while, either. It's just so warm.
That is the extent of my thought process right now. Take it easy, and enjoy the weekend.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I had quite the spontaneous day yesterday. I had planned on bumming around my dorm until my mom came up and we could get some serious retail shopping done. Then Ann called at 10:30 asking when she could come pick me up, and we were off!
I felt it was quite an adventurous time. We explored a guitar store, bummed around Rosedale mall, I even had an impulse; I got my cartilage pierced twice. I would have just gotten one, but it was the same amount of money, so I'm just like, go for it! I'm not sure quite got into me. There's something exhilarating about deciding to do something like that so spur of the moment. Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie? Don't expect me to be jumping off buildings or plastering myself with tattoos quite yet.
Then we went to pick up Jase at St. Bens. It was like a mini road trip! I really needed to move around though, I've been thinking far too much lately, especially this week. It's like if my body isn't doing something, my mind likes to try to make up for my lack of movement. Not good. And homework, well, homework just doesn't count as a distraction. I think it just adds even more to that heaviness.
I really needed this weekend. It was so great to just be with people I know accept me for who I am, to just be crazy and jump on the hotel beds and laugh and be complete dorks. I miss actually talking to people. It's so easy to get caught up in the list of things that need to get done, and we forget, especially much distance is involved, to really talk. How are you? No...how are you? What's going on in your life? Where is your heart? Granted, it's not easy to talk about either. But if those deep things never come out, what kind of facade are you putting out for the world? Are you really being you? I have been blessed with some wonderful, real conversation this weekend.
I'd like to leave you with a wonderful quote from a Sleeping At Last song that sums up my life right now perfectly. It's kinda freaky, actually, how actuate it is. Its all about pain and hope and being strong enough to let go.
"I feel the light upon my skin, like finger-tips reminding me that night must end. There's something about sadness that leaves us wanting more, a sickness that breathes...
From holding on to letting go, the change is like dying.
Be brave like bridges underwater, keeping strong beyond their time. Feel the light upon your skin, reminding you that night must end.
Teach me to create a beautiful past that makes you proud, that makes you proud.
Teach me what I need to know to be strong enough to let go..."
"Night Must End", Sleeping At Last
Friday, February 9, 2007
And, honestly, I just need a place to vent sometimes. So, subscribe or not, I'm writing.
On that note, I've been thinking today about what my self-worth is based on. Yeah I know, it's not exactly a lunchroom conversation topic, but this whole week it's been showing up in random places in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in the popularity movement, determining how nice or cute or smart or easygoing you are by how many people like you, or how much those people like you.
I get caught in it. I have been for most of my life. And of course my analytical mind takes these little, seemingly insignificant things and runs with them. "Amy walked right past me and didn't say hi to me today or last night, she must be beginning to not like me. Why wouldn't she like me? Do I smell? Am I not a good friend?" That's pretty much how it works. I actually have to work in order to not get caught up in those little things.
But I think the reason I get caught up in them in the first place is because I have this need to be liked, to be loved, by everyone. If it seems like I'm not, I freak out a bit, and it bugs me. I know that who I am does not change (directly) according to who loves me or not. I know that I am loved by my Creator, so much so that he even died for me when I didn't believe in him. What more love should I need? What more should I be seeking for? Absolute, complete love. Every nook and cranny of me, all those things I despise about myself. I have so much right here in my grasp, but am so blind to it.
I just pray I can really realize all that there is in that huge chunk of love that God has offered me, this pure gift, given regardless of how imperfect I am, or how screwed up I am, or how many people love me, or how much they love me. Why can't I accept it?
If it was a huge chunk of chocolate, I would.