It's been a long day.
I had a moment walking back to my dorm today and I just thought, what's the point? What's the point in struggling to get good grades, striving to become a better musician? What's the point of graduating from college to get job and make money? In the end, what does it matter? What does any of my effort add up to? What's the point in trying to put on a front and be something I'm not for the world? Why do I try to be a wonderfully good, healthy, popular person and then beat up myself when I'm not? Why do I feel this need in me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and when nothing pans out, I assume I'm hopeless? Why does my life's routine feel so boring and mundane to me?
And, despite all this, I know God has me in his hands, and he knows where I'm going and where I am now. I know all this is molding and shaping me, and God has great plans for me. I know I can rest in Him...
It's just hard to connect these two realities.
Maybe these thoughts are just a result of a very stressful week. Or my subconscious wants me to procrastinate my homework.
I wrote this poem a few years ago. It fits.
today I walked
past many gray shadows
these towering, frightening
souls. proud yet
or clarity through
as if something lacking.